I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
I got everything I ever gave her back, every picture, and money for the dog. I didn't want it she brought it all back and gave it to me. clothes jackets, pictures, dried flowers, ear rings, necklace...
Sell it on ebay and let's go to the bar
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
just smoked a bowl with my history teacher. i love community college
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
Randomize
