3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Randomize
