remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
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i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
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You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
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