i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
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