I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
The karaoke bar doesnt have electric avenue. Ill just have to pick another song and sing the lyrics to electric avenue
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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