Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
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