Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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