I want to stick my p in your. b.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
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Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
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Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
They are going to name an STD after you.
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
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