Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
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