Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize
