im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
Randomize
