I threw up into my coffee this morning.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
Randomize
