You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
