I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
Soo both my 8 year old sister and fuck buddy are named Sarah..
this can't be going anywhere good
nooope. guess which one i texted last nite to come over so i could "punish her pussy"? =\
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
