guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
Is it just me or does the sex still keep getting better? I wasn't crying, my eyes just watered from how hard I was cumming.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
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