he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
No, dude...I agree it's great in theory but I promise you that 80 drunk 21 year old sorority girls together in one room for formal is one of the worst drama filled ideas ever. Ever.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
Cover your peen. We're going out.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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