the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Randomize
