1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
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He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
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Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
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