when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
Randomize
