nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
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