I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
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i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
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Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
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