Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
