At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
