Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
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Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
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