rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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