Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize
