3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
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Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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