you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
