I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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