so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
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