Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
Randomize
