why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Randomize
