we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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