i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Randomize
