i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Randomize
