I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
These 29 Nasty People Went To The Bathroom In Public
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
19 People Who Had An Inappropriate Celebrity Encounter
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator