i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
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I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
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Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.