I'm sorry my penis didn't work
I'm afraid that if I tell my sister I think Zachary Quinto is gay I'll have to put her on suicide watch for the next week or so
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
I just shit my pants and had a heart attack. Simultaneously. May or may not be related to this game.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.