Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
