His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
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