I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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