the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
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