i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
so im kinda of nervous about the whole bust inside event last night
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
