I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
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