I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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