I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
Randomize
