Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
yah I made NO friends last night. at one point i think i replaced talking with spitting
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
