I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Randomize
