between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Randomize
