you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
