I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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