if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Randomize
