I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
Randomize
