while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Tanner. All u drink. 10 bckaa. Locked in Porto potty outside. Constructed area. Main strrrreeeett. Fuck. Help. Pleese
Randomize
