we have officially lost it.
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
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