there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Randomize
