the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Randomize
