Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
being pregnant is like rehab
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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