I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
Randomize
