I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
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