you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
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